Full Text of the Prenuptial Agreement as Executed Between Me and My Cat

The following is a binding agreement between Lola (hereafter referred to as “Cat”) and Andrew Berkowitz (hereafter referred to as “Owner”). Witnessed and signed on April 5, 2016.

1. Cat shall have permanent, exclusive occupancy right to Owner’s lap on demand, including but not limited to: during dinner, immediately after a shower, when owner is wearing white pants, in the middle of sexy times, while doing yoga. This occupancy clause does not convey any reciprocal rights — any attempt by owner to induce Cat onto lap will be met with disdainful refusal.
2. Cat has the right to sniff, lick, bat at, bite, chase, scratch, bump or stare at any other cats legally residing in owner’s domicile. Should any of those resident animals attempt the same in return, Cat will immediately hiss and relocate to a spot directly beneath the sofa. Owner will provide one (1) sofa with a minimum of six inches clearance for this express purpose.
3. Feeding times are as follows: (a) 30 minutes before Owner wakes up. (b) 3 p.m., or 45 minutes after the first feeding, whichever comes first. (c) Between 1 p.m. and 2 a.m., solely at Cat’s discretion. Furthermore, each feeding will be accompanied by a full, fresh bowl of cool tap water. Cat will verify proper temperature by knocking the aforementioned water onto the linoleum floor.
4. Owner will purchase and maintain an operable, late-model personal computer, which Cat may use at any time by walking, lying, jumping or pacing on the keyboard. Cat may also, at its sole discretion, cause iTunes to play Ratt’s Greatest Hits at 4:21 in the morning, by standing on aforementioned keyboard.
5. Cat’s diet is to be supplemented with iPhone earbuds, with a strong preference for expensive, noise-canceling models. Owner agrees to purchase no fewer than six (6) pairs of earbuds per calendar year expressly for Cat to eat.
6. Owner is to provide no fewer than three (3) cat beds purchased from Amazon.com or PetSmart. Each bed shall be made of wicker or another natural material, and shall have a padded cushion of no less than one-inch thickness, as well as a clever embroidered phrase such as “Catnapped!” or “I’m a Good Sleepurrrr.” Under no circumstances will Cat sleep on or near such cat beds, preferring instead to sleep in the fruit bowl on the dining room table. Cat may, at its sole discretion, pee in such beds.
7. Owner may designate one (1) room of the house as being “off-limits” to Cat, including guest room, garage or craft room. Owner acknowledges that this designation ensures such room will become Cat’s most desired location, and Cat will devote the majority of its waking hours attempting entry. As in clause 2 of this agreement, owner will provide in said room an object of no less than six inches minimum clearance for Cat to hide under, such as waterbed, table saw or aquarium.
8. Cat is not a dog, and will not eat human food that has been dropped on the floor. It is the responsibility of Owner to clean up any food that has been dropped and not attempt to coerce Cat into eating it. At its sole discretion, Cat may choose to eat human food the way humans do, by climbing up on the kitchen counter when no one is looking. Cat also reserves the right to lick all over such food without actually eating it.
9. Guests are not permitted in the house UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, except in such case as guests are allergic to Cat, in which case guests are fully permitted so long as Cat has complete access to their lap as outlined in clause 1 of this agreement. Should guests stay the night, Cat also reserves the right to sleep on their face.
10. This document is legally binding, and any rights not explicitly granted herein belong exclusively to Cat. Agreement may be terminated by Cat at any time by walking on Owner’s keyboard until Best of Olivia Newton John plays on iTunes.