An Assortment of Requests Made with the Same Hubris as Asking You to Disable Your Ad Blocker
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Hello web visitor! It looks like you’re using an ad blocker.
If you enjoy dismissing repeated pop-up ads that cause your browser to freeze like a frightened marmot, please support this site by disabling your ad blocker. Although we could have chosen a different revenue model — say, charging subscriptions or launching a Patreon campaign — we felt that running 27 animated ads per screen for products like prescription foot deodorizer and catamaran refinancing was the best way to respect our readers. Thank you for supporting our mission by viewing ads!
Hi there, Dover Castle! It looks like you’re using flaming arrows and boiling oil to defend your battlements.
If you enjoy having your women raped and your family murdered by a marauding horde of rebel mercenaries, please disable your moat and crossbow-wielding soldiers before continuing. Although we could have chosen a different way to express our displeasure with excessive royalist taxation — maybe drafting some win-win language into the Magna Carta — we felt that sending a ragtag phalanx of bloodthirsty villagers to bombard your castle walls with projectile-launching mangonels was the best way to resolve our political differences. We thank you in advance for the support in letting us behead your loved ones!
Good evening Tinder date! It looks like you’re using condoms.
If you enjoy being impregnated by a 24-year-old junior social media manager named Cody who currently lives in a 1997 Dodge Charger, please dispense with any birth-control methods before continuing. Although there are certainly safer ways to bring spontaneity to a one-night stand — say, heavy petting in a bathroom stall before exchanging first names — we felt that having shockingly-brief unprotected sex with a man who carries multiple active restraining orders is the best way to make this an experience you will never forget. Many thanks for allowing yourself to be knocked up!
Hiya, Museum of Modern Art. It looks like you’re using guard dogs.
If you enjoy being burgled by an undermanned and hastily-assembled heist crew from Long Island City, please disable your pack of ferocious German Shepherds before continuing. Although there are certainly better ways for a dimwitted team of bickering cousins to scratch out a living — say, driving for Uber or bagging groceries down at the local Wegmans — we felt that stealing a 1910 Henri Rousseau masterpiece in a slapdash after-hours theft would be the best way to achieve our American dream. We thank you in advance for removing all attack canines!
Well hi, Utah Jazz! It looks like you’re using three-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year Rudy Gobert.
If you enjoy being repeatedly scored upon by an undrafted 6’2” point guard with chronic plantar fasciitis, please disable your all-NBA center before continuing. Although there are certainly other ways for our team to score — running a modern flow offense based on even court spacing and effective 3-point shooting, just to name one option — we felt that repeatedly sending an undersized bench player into the paint to make layups at the rim would be the best way to compete against your top-ranked defense. Thanks so much for keeping Mr. Gobert squarely pinned to the bench!
Hello scuba cinematographer! It looks like you’re using a protective dive cage.
If you enjoy being stalked and devoured by a 2,300-pound great white shark, please disable your protective cage before continuing. Although there are certainly safer ways to get pristine footage of a massive prehistoric killing machine — for instance, deploying a remote-operated camera — we felt that swimming in open water while a deckhand spreads multiple buckets of three-day old mullet chum would be the best way for you to achieve breathtaking footage, both figuratively and literally. Thank you in advance for not using a dive cage, and please click here to see the latest interest rates for refinancing your catamaran!
